Letting Go And Just Trusting The Universe!

I posted earlier today about how I woke up and I was missing L again.  I was going about my day and for most of the morning I just couldn’t really let go of those feelings.  And then a strange thing happened.

One of the books that has been a tremendous help to me during this time of self-reflection and spiritual growth is written by Wayne Dyer.  I listed it in a previous post.  I haven’t been watching too much daytime tv lately but today, for some reason, I decided to turn on the tv.  The Bonnie Hunt Show was on and guess who was her guest?   Yea, it was Wayne Dyer!  I missed part of his interview so later that day I decided to go to her website and catch the episode online.  Oh man, am I glad I did!  I totally recommend that you go to her url and watch the first couple of clips of today’s episode.  Both she and Wayne Dyer talk about a serendipitous event that happened in their lives, both relating to their respective fathers.  It reaffirmed to me that the universe knows what you need when you need it and you just need to trust in it.

After watching the clips of her show, I felt a lot better.  I realized that I just need to let myself feel the loss of L and to embrace the fact that I do miss him a lot.  It’s when I resist the feelings that life spirals downward into depression, anger, sadness and all of those other negative emotions.  I applied this to the job hunt too.  I took this last situation as a sign that the Lord is telling me that I am not quite ready to jump back into work yet.  I just sort of ‘know’ that where I am at is where I am supposed to be, even ‘tho there is a part of me that is feeling tired of being in this ‘limbo’ state.  I am accepting that life does not happen on my own terms, and it’s not like cable where I can make things happen ‘on demand’.  All I can do is take things a day at a time and just hope that the cumulative effect will end up with me somehow living in the midst of the hopes and dreams that I have for my future. 

Meh. 

To be continued…!

Thanks for reading!

Random Is As Random Does!

So some random ramblings…

The last few days I’ve been spotting.  In the back of my mind I am thinking, WTF?  I’m generally pretty regular when it comes to my menstrual cycle, and my cycle isn’t supposed to happen for another couple of weeks.  The last time I spotted like this, I was in my late twenties and my doctor said sometimes a woman’s body just changes in age and that’s it’s normal.  She did an ultrasound and saw a cyst on one of my ovaries.  She said the type that I had was totally common and that over time it would just absorb back into my body and that there was nothing to worry about.  She put me on birth control to re-regulate my period.  It’s been a long time since then but I stopped taking pills and I was fine for many years after that.  The last week or so I wasn’t sure what was going on since the spotting seemed heavy and I knew my period was still a couple of weeks away.  Today it was obvious that my period started, or at least I hope it did.  Otherwise I am bleeding like a period for other reasons.  I’m going to keep a close eye on it and just note what goes on.  I did have a fleeting thought that maybe it’s true what they say about it being more difficult to have children when you turn ~35.  Maybe my body is changing again and maybe that function is in a transitory state. 

I received a call this morning for that temporary position I interviewed for late last week.  The woman left a message and they decided to go with another candidate who had more experience in that area.  It was a position with the county and I have a feeling the other candidate was probably a displaced gov’t worker.  I think I was bummed because I don’t like rejection and I knew the interview went well.  She even said I had an excellent interview and good credentials and that she’d keep me in mind if another position opened up.  I’m also bummed because I do think I am ready to go back to work and start to implement some of these spiritual insights I am having.  

Some days, like today, I woke up feeling a bit sickly.  I missed L a lot this morning.  I’m not sure where it came from.  I hadn’t found out anything new about him (no cyberstalking going on here) and I am reminding myself every day of all the various reasons we wouldn’t work out.  I woke up not really wanting to face the day.  Nothing in particular happened.  I just kept wishing I was still asleep so that I didn’t have to think about anything.  It might be a hormonal thing.  I do tend to cry easily before my period and I also get pretty tired and just want to sleep a lot more. 

Oh, speaking of crying, the other day I came out of the shower and I started to think about my sister that I’ll be visiting in Texas in early December.  I can’t remember what exactly I was thinking about, but somehow I got this dialogue in my head about wanting to tell her how some of the mean things she told me as a kid really affected me.  She always called me a ‘crybaby’ and looking back, I was like that because I was always a very sensitive person.  Yet, she was mean and cruel about calling me those names.  I’m a bit resentful because I see her oldest daughter being that way too.  She’s very sensitive.  My sister coddles her and does what she can to ‘protect’ her daughter’s self-esteem.  It makes me wonder if my sister ever looks back and realizes that I was just sensitive too.  Maybe I should call her daughter (my niece) a crybaby too?  Ha.  I’m sure that would go over well.  What a bad auntie I would be!  Anyway, I’m sitting in the bathroom bawling my eyes out over the fact that she has never acknowledged the way she has hurt me.  I did wonder if those feelings were magnified because I was hormonal.  It’s quite possible that the above two incidents are related.

The sickly feeling could also be a seasonal thing too.  The colder weather and the cloudy/overcast fall weather makes it tough to roll out of my warm bed.  It makes me wish I had someone to snuggle up with for a few minutes before starting the day.  Being with L stirred up so many of my romantic feelings.  Even ‘tho I was with Steven for a year, there was never any real physical affection (no hand-holding, no hugs, kisses, etc.).  There wasn’t even much of an emotional connection.  With L, I could feel myself wanting and having a many of those things with him.  We did have it for a while, but the biggest issue was the fact that I couldn’t see us navigating through life together.  His temper over insignificant things would have made a future together a living nightmare.  His financial situation would have taken years to clean up.  I could go on and name a few other things. 

I guess I am just still in the process of letting go.  I am continuing to acknowledge my feelings and to just let time and God heal my wounds and to refresh my perspective.  I really do still believe in my happiness and in my fairy tale ending.  I have no doubt that all of this grief and heartache will be worth it in the end.

Thanks for reading!

A Quick Prayer

Dear Lord,

I love you.

Amen!

Thomas

I’m doing the online dating thing again.  Oy vey!  But onward I go in pursuit of learning about myself and trusting the process of personal transformation and healing.  There’s no sense in being a recluse if one of my end goals is to find someone I’d like to build a real relationship with, right?  As long as I tread carefully and stay true to my feelings and my own path in life, I am willing to accept whatever outcomes that may occur. 

Saturday I met up with this guy, Thomas, for coffee.  First, some of his stats:  He’s Japanese but doesn’t speak the language.  He has one older brother who is married and who has two kids.  They live in a town about 2 hours from here.  His parents live near his brother.  He has his college degree from Berkeley and works in finance.  He mentioned he was just promoted to a managerial position.  He hasn’t travelled very much.  He said most of his friends are now married and it sounded like he doesn’t have much of a social life or any friends that he hangs out with.  His hobbies include video games/online gaming and building Gundum robots.  (Gundum robots are the Japanese version of Lego/model kits.  They are toys based on a popular anime cartoon.  These toys are found only in Japan).  His parents are 20 years or so apart in age and it was a typical arranged marriage.  He said they are in their 80’s, which means they had him a lot later in life.  He’s not a Christian and doesn’t go to church.  He does believe in a Higher Power. 

Now for the trickier part.  I am going to list and write out the thoughts/reactions/observations I made that evening.  Writing all of these things, both negative and positive are really for me to analyze my thoughts and behaviors and observations of myself as I am dating people.  I will be more focused on what I am feeling and thinking. 

Initial observations/mental notes:
- He was ok with not having seen a pic of me before meeting up
- He was on time
- He was short (noticebly shorter than most guys I’ve been meeting)
- He was dressed well (as in slacks and a nice shirt)
- He paid for my coffee
- He was well-spoken, articulate
- He mentioned he hadn’t dated very much in the past.  The last woman he dated for about 6 weeks.  I don’t think he has dated anyone for very long or seriously in his past. 
- I didn’t have an initial physical attraction towards him, but I also wasn’t totally turned off by him

My feelings:
- I liked that he was on time and that he paid for my coffee.  I did offer to pay and I think at one point in my past I would have insisted I give him a couple of bucks for it, but I just relaxed and graciously accepted his offer and just said, ‘thanks’. 
- The conversation started off with him telling me about his degree and his profession and I felt like he was in an interview.  I went into this coffee date with an attitude of, ‘whatever happens, happens.’  I didn’t go in with a list of questions that had to be answered.  I was going in with an open mind and the notion that I’d let the conversation flow and I’d just observe our interaction.  I felt turned off by the fact that it felt like he was trying to sell himself to me. 
- He came across as a very serious person.  I can’t remember him laughing, joking or even smiling much.
- I was honest about my approach to meeting people, that I wanted to take my time in the dating arena and that I had other things I wanted to figure out (like finding a job first, etc.) before I could get serious with anyone.
- At one point he said he was surprised that someone like me would be online.  He explained that most of the women he had been meeting were not as well-spoken or articulate and insightful.  The last woman he dated was an esthetician (sp?  a skin care expert).  I guess that explains the contrast, right?  Ha ha.  And he said that our conversation was interesting.  He was very forthcoming in his observations and remarks and while it was flattering, the flattery did make me feel a bit uncomfortable. 
- The conversation did flow and the exchange was pretty equal.  I didn’t feel as if I was pulling teeth. 
- At the end of the date he said he enjoyed the conversation and that he would like to go out again if I wanted to and he expressed an interest getting my number and going out again next week.  I was taken aback because I’m used to ending a date with a ‘nice to meet you’ and then a day or two later the guy would then follow up with another invite (or not).  I just said that I thought he came across as pretty serious and I restated that I was approaching the dating stuff casually.  He seemed ok with it.  And then he just left it with an, ‘ok, well you have my contact info so if you are interested in going out again, you can reach me’.
- I ran into one of my friends at the Starbucks we were at.  I chitchatted with her a bit.  Thomas did not seem that engaged in the conversation.  He didn’t even stand up to at least give the appearance of being in our conversation.  My friend tried to engage him in the conversation but  he just seemed like a blank face.  Ideally I’d like a guy who can carry himself well in social situations and at least seem friendly to anyone he meets.  This is important to me and the fact that it sounded like he didn’t have even one or two friends he hangs out with was a mental note I made.

It’s been a few days since that outing and I don’t quite know what to do about it yet.  My brain says to just go out again and not to overthink things, but my feelings are telling me that there is fear, apprehension, and the knowing that my previous pattern is to focus a lot of attention on one person and that I get attached very easily and very quickly.  I definitely need to make sure that if I do continue to get to know him, that I continue to honor this spiritual path I am on.  I fell off that path when L and I started dating.  I was at a good place when he and I met, and then we got wrapped up in the relationship and I lost my spiritual focus.  I also need to take the necessary time between dates to evaluate myself and any interactions we have.  I really do want to use this time to learn more about myself and what it is that I truly need in a long-term relationship. 

I am also aware that I need to be more cautious about the rate of disclosure.  I am usually an open book and I can share a lot of personal information quickly, but that is not the best thing for a relationship to develop.  I need to allow for general activities and interactions to happen so that I can observe his character and the quality of our interactions.

So that is where I am at with regards to dating.  I am trying to evaluate my feelings so that if I move forward I am moving forward for good reasons and not because I am afraid.  I am in no hurry to find someone, and if I stick to my truth then any guy who is interested in me would be patient and understanding.  If they can’t wait for me then they aren’t someone I’d want to be with anyway. 

Thanks for reading!

 

Li, Ma, and Bookstore Happenings

I went to today’s noon Al-Anon meeting.  Today’s reading was about manipulation and I didn’t have much to say about the topic.  This particular meeting is made up of an older crowd, most of whom are probably well into their 50’s or older.  In an odd way, it’s comforting and partly instills hope in me when I hear them talk about how they are all working on their relationship with their adult children and grandchildren.  It makes me think of my mom and that perhaps reconciliation can occur in the future.  It’s insightful to hear these people recognize their family dysfunction and how they are working through their issues. 

After the meeting I went to the lagoon and read a book as I sat by the water.  You know, it’s amazing to know that the Lord just knows what to put into my life when I need it most. 

One example is Sunday night.  I went to a meeting a few minutes early.  I wanted to get there early to browse one of the Al-Anon Step Study books before I decided to buy it.  I sat down and as people started straggling into the room, they played a bit of musical chairs.  Someone would sit down, then get up to get coffee or a snack and a new person would come in and unknowingly take their seat.  So this get up/sit down thing was happening for a few minutes.  This one woman came in and after a few shifts got up and sat next to me.  The particular format for this meeting was unique in that we went in a circle and you had the option to speak or to pass.  The other format I’ve been used to is just popcorn style and people would just speak when they wanted, and you weren’t required to even say you wanted to ‘pass’. 

Anyway, so my turn came to speak and I talked about L.  I talked about how it hurt knowing he was with another woman.  I talked about having reread my journal from a few years back to the present entries, and seeing so many bad relationship patterns and habits over the years.  I talked about needing to change these things and how I never took the time to think about what I wanted or how I felt about things and how I just coasted along in life.  I talked about how hard it is to figure these things out and to sort through the things I wanted my life to be like going forward.

Li (abbreviated name for that woman since her name is unique) spoke after me and she talked about many of the same things.  She said she ‘doesn’t do relationships well’ and how she doesn’t even know how to be herself.  She’s figuring out her own identity and it’s a struggle for her to figure out how to be herself. 

After the meeting we talked for a while about the similarities in the things we shared in the meeting.  It turns out we are about the same age, plus/minus a few months.  I really had no doubt we were put next to each other for a reason.  It was a fleeting thought when, before the meeting started, she had intentionally gotten up and sat next to me.  I thought it was odd, but stranger things do happen in Al-Anon!  Ha ha.  She later told me that she just felt compelled to sit next to another female.  Anyway, we chatted and shared about our situations and we exchanged numbers. 

Another example is the girl, Ma (her name is also abbreviated since her name is unique too!).  I’ve been seeing Ma at various meetings the last week or so.  I saw her on Wed’s and Fri morning’s meeting.  Then on Friday afternoon when my friend, Tony from Vancouver, and I were taking a walk along the bay, we ran into Ma.  She was also taking a walk by herself.  We exchanged pleasantries then parted ways.

Ma showed up at Sunday’s meeting as well.  Because I ended up chatting with Li, I didn’t get a chance to speak with her so I called her on my way home.  She shared about already having some anxieties about the holidays and I wanted to tell her that I was in that frame of mind too.  We ended up talking for quite a while.  It turns out that she goes to my church and has been a Christian for about 4 years.  We even go to the same service on Sats, but our church is so big it’s not surprising that we haven’t run into each other.  Our talk that night brought our friendship to another level.  It was good to have the church connection, but we also had a lot of similarities in the dysfunction of our families too.

Another example of God giving me what I need at the right time has been all of these spiritual-themed books I’ve been reading.  An odd thing happened with some library books I checked out recently.  Instead of the usual 3-week check out period, my book receipt had a due date in January.  I wasn’t sure what that was about, but it turns out that the branch library I go to was being remodeled so all books checked out of there weren’t due until after the renovation!  My general habit with library books is to just check out everything I like and then spend the time at home deciding which ones to keep and which ones to return.  So basically at any given time I can have at least 10, 15, maybe 20 or more books checked out because I don’t like having to decide on just one or two books while I am at the library.  I just take all books that peak an interest and check it out.

Anyway, so I had all of these books the last month or so and I decided to start reading one particular book last night.  I took it with me to the lagoon today and there are just so many things I am gleaning from it. 

The books that I’ve been reading and rereading at this point are the following, in case anyone wants to read the stuff that’s been helping me.  I am just learning and taking in SOOOO much from these books right now, it’s crazy!  The messages and the exercises are totally resonating with me right now.  Some books are from the library, others I got at the Christian bookstore.  They are:

The Shack, by William P. Young
How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, by Dr. Henry Cloud
Loving People, by Dr. John Townsend
I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris
Finding Your Way Home, by Melody Beattie
There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem, by Wayne Dyer
Life at Work, by Thomas Moore

And, of course, The Bible! 

Tonight I went to a “Beginner’s Al-Anon” meeting.  It was my first time going to this particular type of meeting.  The format is supposed to be a bit more structured in order to help newcomers understand the basics of Al-Anon, but it actually ended up being a very lame meeting.  I don’t think the person running it could see how complicated it really was for a newcomer.  There was this woman came who was completely new to Al-Anon and I could tell she was confused and overwhelmed.  Afterwards I encouraged her to try other meetings since they all have different dynamics.  I didn’t want this particular meeting to discourage her.  Maybe the Lord brought me to that meeting in order to help encourage her?  Nothing in life is a random coincidence.  The key is to stay open and to stay sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s nudge.  I do hope I see her at another meeting.

After tonight’s meeting I decided to go to the bookstore and browse a bit.  And what can I say?  Men are funny! 

I was browsing in one section.  My head was buried in a book, but out of the corner of my eye I noticed this guy walking in my direction and I got the sense that as he was walking by he took a look at me and I must have caught his eye because as he was walking his stride shifted and he slowed down a bit as he walked by me.  A few seconds later he walked next to me and browsed books next to me.  But I could tell he wasn’t really browsing books.  He was trying to see what I was reading and he kept looking at me, but I was trying my hardest to keep my eyes focused on the book I was holding.  I looked up briefly at one point and he walked by and said, ‘Ni Hao”, which is chinese for ‘Hi’.  Ok, now don’t get me started about a white guy trying to speak chinese to an Asian woman.  It’s kind of insulting and just creepy, and my fellow Asian gal-pals agree on that.  I should have replied with a “Guttentag” or something.  WTF??  Ha ha.

Anyway, so I just sort of said, “hi”, and went back to reading my book.  Then I walked down another aisle and a few minutes later he was next to me again.  Now it was getting obvious that he was trying to approach me because I was originally in the travel section and now I was in the self-help aisle.  This time it happened again.  I looked up and he muttered a ‘hi’ and I just smiled, said ‘hi’, and went back to my book.  Then he wandered off and I went and sat down on a bench near the magazines to read some more.  A few minutes later he was there again.  He came and sat down next to me.  I looked up and he said, ‘hi’ and I said ‘hi’ and then I went back to my book.  Now I am thinking, I gave the dude plenty of chances to approach me with more than just a ‘hi’.  So now we are sitting on the bench and I am reading and I am waiting for him to say something.  The thing is, the initial ‘Ni Hao’ thing was a total turnoff, combined with the fact that I am sticking my notion that a guy has to be a guy and initiate.  I was friendly enough.  I replied with ‘hi’s, I gave him eye contact, I acknowledged him and he couldn’t make conversation?  That’s sad.

Anyway, I think the Lord provided that little exchange because I haven’t been feeling too attractive lately.  It was flattering to know that this guy’s behavior was due mainly based on my looks.  Of course, it goes without saying that if I had really wanted to have a flirtatious exchange I would have started a conversation while we sat on that bench, but I obviously didn’t want to. 

I’m debating whether or not I want to make myself available for another coffee date with that guy I met last Saturday.  Our meeting went well.  I’m trying to do what one of those books in my list said to do.  It said that dating is about learning about yourself and what you like or don’t like.  It’s about recognizing your internal thoughts/emotions/reactions to your interactions with people of the opposite sex.  And what can I say?  I’ve already had a ton of mixed and random thoughts/emotions about him and our interaction.  I’ll post about my dates and the internal dialogue I have in separate posts.  It will be good to document this part of my spiritual journey in their own posts.

Ok, thanks for reading!

 

Random Reflections

I’ve been reflecting a bit on relationships tonight.  I thought about L, my family, my friends, my role in this world and with God, as well as past friendships and past romantic relationships. 

I poured over blogs about Al-Anon and other random searches online for articles about love and soulmates and people finding the the person they marry.  Part of it was for kicks and part of it was to glean information and insight to make sense of all of the jarbled emotions I am sifting through. 

My thoughts and emotions are still all over the place.  Some moments I coast and all seems fine.  Other moments I find myself getting carried away down a train of thought that is not productive or healthy.  It’s too much to go into at this point and I am quite tired at the moment.  I have a long day ahead of me and I need to get to sleep.  I hope to post more tomorrow.

Below are some good quotes I gleaned from the sites I came across.

Thanks for reading!

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“Life brings us many chance encounters. Sometimes we are ready for them, other times we are not.”

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“Let nothing upset you;
Let nothing frighten you.
Everything is changing;
God alone is changeless.
Patience attains the goal.
Who has God lacks nothing;
God alone fills all of our needs.”

- Blessed Mother Teresa’s Prayer

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“God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open.”
- Hazrat Inayat Khan

Life. Stuff. Moving Along.

I haven’t really had a chance to just chill and be with God these last few days.  I haven’t even had much time to make daily Al-Anon meetings.  I go when I can and they have been immensely helpful to me.  Overall things are still fairly good.  I make it a point to pray before bed each night, and I do find myself listening to more worship music and just filling my heart and soul with good things.

A few updates…

I’m still cyberstalking the ex.  He and his new gal pal are doing well and it sucks a** to see how sappy in like they are at the moment.  But such is life and while I know it stings, I am taking it in stride.  I struggle because my carnal side says to hate him and to be pissed at the entire situation and that I hurt because he’s moved on so quickly and I feel as if I meant nothing to him.  Of course, it might be rebound, it might not be.  I don’t know, but that is wasted energy to think about that.  I do find that sometimes I am actually genuinely happy that he’s now in this relationship.  It surprises me, but something truly shifted inside of me recently and I just KNOW that the Lord will provide what we both need.  When I catch myself getting pissy about the situation, I pray for him.  I pray that his needs are being met.  I pray that my own awareness of myself and my emotions are also being addressed.  And I pray for our futures.  I pray for my future partner and I ask that the Lord is working out that person’s issues and character so that when I meet him we will both be in a good place and we will have no doubt that the Lord brought us together in His perfect timing. 

My Uncle has been in town so I’ve been hanging out with my cousin (his son) and him a little bit this week.  It’s been really good spending time with him.  We can talk about a lot of things and tonight I actually left dinner feeling a bit sad and winceful.  He’s the closest person to me that I can cautiously consider as my ‘Dad’.  I find that I have a huge gap in my soul for that father figure and spending this time with him these past few days has really made me miss aspects of my family relationships.  I have a lot of introspection to do with regards to the loss of my father.  I really want to come to terms with it all so that I can heal and find a good relationship with someone. 

However, before addressing my father issues, I am still working out my mom issues.  A huge burden was lifted when I received prayer about my mom at the healing room the other day.  I still cannot explain or understand what happened, but I thank God for working in me that day.  While I may feel more peace about my relationship with her, peace from a distance is one thing, but peace in her presence is another thing.  I am not sure what the holidays will be like.  I’m dreading the emotional rollercoaster that may occur when I actually have to spend time with her, but I have to remind myself that anxiety and worry about the future does no good.  I just have to take the days and moments as they come and hope that the future takes care of itself.

I also have an interview tomorrow for a temp position.  It came up suddenly and it’s not exactly something I am that interested in, but I’ll just go and see what happens.  I’m just trusting the Lord to provide what I need and to show me the door(s) he wants me to walk through, even if that means not getting a job offer for a while and staying unemployed so that I can totally focus my efforts on emotionally healing or just on prayer and meditation. 

Earlier this week I played tennis with my friend, Steven (not my ex).  It was the first time I played tennis in a few weeks and it felt really good to be out on the court again.  I was depressed and didn’t want to get out on the court because tennis was something L and I shared.  I couldn’t bear the thought of touching my racquet for a long time.  But, the weather was nice and I just felt compelled to accept the offer to play.  Steven and I went to get sushi afterwards and we had a good conversation.  Steven is in AA (ironic, isn’t it?) and I was telling him about me and Al-Anon.  We have a lot of similarities in our current situation.  He was dating some girl whom he started to make into his ‘god’.  He stopped seeing her so that he could refocus on God.  And I told him about my relationship and how I saw myself doing that too.  I was putting a lot of time and effort into L instead of putting that time into God and trusting God to take care of the relationship.

My friend, Tony, is visiting from Vancouver.  We plan to hang out on Friday so I will be busy tomorrow with my interview and with cleaning up my place. 

I also decided to sign up for online dating again.  I have a coffee date set up for Sat.  I’m having lunch with my family and then after that and before church I will be meeting this guy for coffee.  I figured I will date casually with the intention of learning more about myself and pinpointing the qualities I like and don’t like.  If something crazy and magical happens, then all the better, but I’d like to think that I am going into this with my eyes wide open.  I’m going to just be casual about it while I stay focused on my healing and on my relationship with God.

This week has been busy, but busy in a good way.  I finally feel as if I am an emotional being and doing good things for my spirit.  Is this what it’s like to be truly living in the moment?  I’m not quite filled with the joy of life yet, but I do think I am getting there. 

Thanks for reading!

Will He Hold Your Purse?

I came across this Boston Globe article today. 

I winced as I read it.  Being single isn’t easy, but I’m looking for a stand-up type of guy.

I hope another single gal out there reads this and gets encouraged to hold out for the one who will stick by her no matter what.

Thanks for reading!

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Will He Hold Your Purse?

As a breast cancer doctor, I’ve learned how to spot a devoted husband — a skill I try to share with my single and searching girlfriends. 

“Everything I know about marriage I learned in my cancer clinic.” I’ve been known to say this to my friends, maybe more than once, maybe even causing some of them to grind their teeth and grumble about Robin and Her Infernal Life Lessons.

I can’t help myself.  I’ve worked as a breast cancer doctor for 20 years, I’ve watched thousands of couples cope with every conceivable (and sometimes unimaginable) kind of crisis, and I’ve seen all kinds of marriages, including those that rise like a beacon out of the scorched-earth terror that is a cancer clinic.

It’s a privilege to witness these couples, but the downside is I find myself muttering under my breath when my single female friends show me their ads for online dating. “Must like long walks on beach at sunset, cats,” they write, or “French food, kayaking, travel.” Or a perennial favorite: “Looking for fishing buddy; must be good with bait.” These ads make me want to climb onto my cancer doctor soapbox and proclaim, “Finding friends with fine fishing poles may be great in the short term. But what you really want to look for is somebody who will hold your purse in the cancer clinic.”

It’s one of the biggest take-home lessons from my years as an oncologist: When you’re a single woman picturing the guy of your dreams, what matters a heck of lot more than how he handles a kayak is how he handles things when you’re sick. And one shining example of this is how a guy deals with your purse.

I became acquainted with what I’ve come to call great “purse partners” at a cancer clinic in Waltham. Every day these husbands drove their wives in for their radiation treatments, and every day these couples sat side by side in the waiting room, without much fuss and without much chitchat. Each wife, when her name was called, would stand, take a breath, and hand her purse over to her husband. Then she’d disappear into the recesses of the radiation room, leaving behind a stony-faced man holding what was typically a white vinyl pocketbook. On his lap. The guy — usually retired from the trades, a grandfather a dozen times over, a Sox fan since date of conception — sat there silently with that purse. He didn’t read, he didn’t talk, he just sat there with the knowledge that 20 feet away technologists were preparing to program an unimaginably complicated X-ray machine and aim it at the mother of his kids.

I’d walk by and catch him staring into space, holding hard onto the pocketbook, his big gnarled knuckles clamped around the clasp, and think, “What a prince.”

I’ve worked at cancer clinics all around Boston since then, and I’ve seen purse partners from every walk of life, every age and stage. Of course, not every great guy accompanies his wife to her oncology appointment every day — some husbands are home holding down the fort, or out earning a paycheck and paying the health insurance premiums — but I continue to have a soft spot for the pocketbook guy. Men like him make me want to rewrite dating ads from scratch.

WANTED: A partner for richer or poorer and for better or worse and absolutely, positively in sickness and in health. A partner for fishing and French food and beach walks and kayak trips, but also for phone calls from physicians with biopsy results. A guy who knows that while much of marriage is a 50-50 give-and-take, sometimes it’s more like 80-20, and that’s OK, even when the 80-20 phase goes on and on. A man who truly doesn’t care what somebody’s breast looks like after cancer surgery, or at least will never reveal that he’s given it a moment’s thought. A guy who’s got some comfort level with secretions and knows the value of a cool, damp washcloth. A partner who knows to remove the computer mouse from a woman’s hand when she types phrases like “breast cancer death sentence” in a Google search. And, most of all, a partner who will sit in a cancer clinic waiting room and hold hard onto the purse on his lap.

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Robin Schoenthaler is a radiation oncologist at the MGH Department of Radiation Oncology at Emerson Hospital in Concord. Send comments to coupling@globe.com. Story ideas Send yours to coupling@globe.com. Please note: We do not respond to ideas we will not pursue.

© Copyright 2009 Globe Newspaper Company.

Believe In Yourself

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there.  To serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.  And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.  Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.  Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.  Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life.  The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from.  In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.

Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

“If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see are obstacles.”

“The Shack” – Author’s Testimony On YouTube

WOW.

I just watched and listened to Paul Young’s testimony on YouTube.  I TOTALLY suggest you listen to it!  You can view it here.  Watch clips 4-12.  I hope his story touches you as much as it touched me!

Amen!!