I had another spiritual attack last night. It was similar to ones that I’ve had before – the ones where I am physically unable to move, where I feel a heavy pressure on my body and one where I cannot wake up my physical self or to even cry out. My spiritual self is calling out to God and when I do so, the negative presence goes away. This happened twice in a row last night. The funny thing is, I used to be really scared of these occurrences, but now that my walk with God has grown, the fear has been replaced with a realization that I must be growing closer to God if the evil one feels the need to do these to me. Whatever the case, I wasn’t as scared as I was in the past and my first instinct upon waking up at 3:23AM when this happened was to read scripture or to pray.
About a week ago I made contact with Sean, who politely emailed back, but since then nothing has been exchanged. If I just had the opportunity to say, ‘I’m sorry’, then that would be enough. I’m not unrealistically hoping for forgiveness or for everything to be ‘ok’. The probability of him still wanting nothing to do with me is still 100%, but at least I would have let him know how sorry I was to have hurt him the way that I did.
Making amends is not easy, but the lightbulb went off recently and I realized that amends does not have to be completed with one party saying they are sorry, and the other giving their forgiveness. It can also just mean that I make the decision to acknowledge my wrongdoing and to do my best not to do it again. I think that is where I am at right now with with Sean. I doubt the door will ever open wider than it already has, but at least I can still honor him by not perpetuating the poor behavior I once had. It makes me sad and a bit of remorse is still there, but I am also making the choice to not keep berating myself for who I once was and how I once behaved. Letting go and forgiving myself is a difficult process, but I am getting better at it every day.
A short while after the emails with Sean were exchanged, I had a dream where I was either the passenger (sitting behind the driver), or actually in the driver’s seat. I can’t remember which. Someone in the front passenger seat said something like…4 times this has been happening. What do you expect? I woke up to that question and something in me knows that I have to do everything I can to come to terms with it and to let hope of any reconcilation go. My energy needs to go elsewhere and I can’t keep dwelling on the past or on ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybe ifs’. I need to start focusing on the life I’ve got, and also start focusing on the life I want.
A lot of inner healing has been happening lately, and a lot of personal growth has taken place too.
I just took a minute to reread some of my more recent posts. I’ve been busy living life and I was curious to see where I had left off with capturing my life in the blog. There’s way too much ‘catching up’ to do, but my desire to blog again is back. The first thing that came to mind as I reread my posts was, “Who the F*** is Brian??” (re: Jan 19 post). I’m trying to remember him but I honestly have no clue who that guy was. Man, am I crazy when it comes to evaluating a date. Well, whoever he is, it is safe to say that he is not in my life anymore. Aside from that, another guy has come and gone in my life. This one I thought had potential to go somewhere. This guy I brought around friends right away, we went to church together, we played tennis together, we laughed a lot while just hanging out at home together. The one issue that he couldn’t seem to get over…he was not financially in a place where he was comfortable investing in a relationship. I can’t blame him for that. It’s admirable and a good quality to have if he wants to feel confident he can support a gf/wife/home/kids. What I *can* blame him for is the way he handled it. He basically disappeared off the face of the earth after that talk and I was left scratching my head. Being friends and investing time together is one thing, but to take it to an entirely undiscussed level was ridiculous. I was just happy spending time with him, but I guess the idea of a relationship was too much for him. C’est la vie. Here’s another lesson in letting go and accepting reality for what it is. A man will jump through hoops to be with me, and he’ll do whatever he can to keep me in his life, despite any circumstances. It’s a shame that he couldn’t recognize the rarity of finding mutual attraction and the easy chemistry we shared. I think that is what makes it so disappointing to me. I’ve been searching and going on a lot of dates and I knew we had something good. Once again, I have to give it up to God and wonder about the miracle of two people ever getting together. There are so many factors that have to fall into place for two people to decide to share their life together. Despite it all, I really am happier now and emotionally heathier than ever. I feel more grounded, more spiritually centered, and I’m happier with my job and the way that it is progressing. I’m reaching out more to my friends and to my community, and I’m finding ways to share who I am and the love that resides inside of me. It’s tough and it’s a daily struggle, but I’m only human and that is also why it is so good. 
Sweet dreams,
T-Bug
