- T.S. Eliot, “Little Gidding”

That’s all I have to say.

Thank you.

What I find difficult to reflect on, is the fact that she continued to be abusive even after that incident.  Was she really that unaware of her actions?  Did she ever feel any remorse?  To this day she has never acknowledged the hurt or the abuse.  She acts like the victim and tries to guilt me into talking to her. 

I haven’t really spoken with her in two years.  Most of that was by choice.  Once I entered Al-Anon, a lot of deep-seeded emotions came to the surface.  I didn’t realize how much anger and resentment I harbored.  It’s as if someone opened up the can of emotional worms in my soul, and life as I once knew it would never be the same.  For so many years I was just existing and playing a role.  Everything about me was about trying to please her and to fit into some unobtainable mold that she had in her mind for how her daughter should be. 

One day I woke up and I let myself grieve for that little 5 year old girl whose earliest lessons in life were about pain and anger.  There was no love or respect for who I could, and would, become.  That little girl was all alone and had to fend for herself during a time when life should have been about discovery and play.  She retreated into herself and she stayed that way for a very long time. 

Her father was an emotionally distant man.  His life was about work and he never had much to say.  He was a stranger in his own home.   She can recall one time when he hugged her, or rather, when she hugged him.  It was awkward at best. 

He died when she was sixteen.  It was a blur and her memories are fuzzy now.  She still grieves, but for what?  He was the father figure that was never really a father.  He was physically present, but never emotionally present. She grieves for the father who never really was.  How is that possible?

Her mother won’t talk about him.  The days right after his death, she threw out everything of his, including photos.  Everything tangible to verify his existence is gone.  Was he ever really there, or was he just merely a stand-in playing the role of father in the story of her childhood?

Her mother grieved in inappropriate ways.  She had no awareness for her daughter’s own grief.  Again, at sixteen, she was alone.   She retreated further into herself and for the next 20 years she would merely exist.  Her motivation would be to get away from her mother.  Her siblings weren’t much help either.  She was the scapegoat, the one who took the brunt of their mother’s anger. 

Her relationship with her siblings are complicated, but she often wonders if they had been raised with the same parents.  How could their memories be so different?  And how is it possible that they have figured how to have a harmonious relationship with her? 

She’s angry that at the age of 36 so many of her relationships have failed and her life feels empty and pointless.  She realizes now that it’s because she has not resolved her family issues.  Two years have passed since the journey into her pain began, and the pain, anger and resentment are still there.  She wants to move past it, but how? 

One day, she hopes, peace and love will prevail.  But until then, the struggle to accept what once was, and to prevent it from influencing the future, continues.

More later!

I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glint on the snow.

I am as sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not think of me as gone,
I am with you still in each new dawn.

No man is an island, entire of itself;
every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less,
as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were;
any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind,
and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

And former New Jersey senator, Donald DiFrancesco, who was the state’s 51st governor when the planes hit the towers, read the following unattributed poem:

If tears could bring you back to me,
You’d be here by my side,
For God could fill a river full
of all the tears I’ve cried

If I could have one wish come true
I’d ask of God in prayer
to let me have just one more day
to show how much I care.

If love could reach the heavens shore
I’d quickly come for you,
my heart would build a bridge of love
one wide enough for two

But this I know
the day will come
when we will never part,
until that day we meet again
I’ll keep you in my heart

     “Within the last few hours the United States has suffered the most
terrible and devastating terrorist attack in its history.  Although we do not
yet know the full story, these unspeakable acts of brutality strike at the
very heart of our free society.
     “Our heartfelt prayers and sympathy go out to all who have been directly
touched by this tragedy, and their families.  I call upon all Americans to
pray especially for our President and for all who advise him, that they may
have divine wisdom as they respond to this insane and horrific act.
     “In times like this we realize how weak and inadequate we are, and our
greatest need is to turn in repentance and faith to the God of all mercy and
the Father of all comfort.  If ever there was a time for us to turn to God and
to pray as a nation, it is now, that this evil will spread no further.  It is
also a time for us to remember the words of the Psalmist:  ‘God is our refuge
and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear
though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the
midst of the sea …  He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he
breaketh the bow and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in
the fire.  Be still and know that I am God … The Lord of hosts is with us.’”
(Psalm 46: 1-2, 9-11)

About a week ago I made contact with Sean, who politely emailed back, but since then nothing has been exchanged.  If I just had the opportunity to say, ‘I’m sorry’, then that would be enough.  I’m not unrealistically hoping for forgiveness or for everything to be ‘ok’.  The probability of him still wanting nothing to do with me is still 100%, but at least I would have let him know how sorry I was to have hurt him the way that I did.

Making amends is not easy, but the lightbulb went off recently and I realized that amends does not have to be completed with one party saying they are sorry, and the other giving their forgiveness.  It can also just mean that I make the decision to acknowledge my wrongdoing and to do my best not to do it again.  I think that is where I am at right now with with Sean.  I doubt the door will ever open wider than it already has, but at least I can still honor him by not perpetuating the poor behavior I once had.  It makes me sad and a bit of  remorse is still there, but I am also making the choice to not keep berating myself for who I once was and how I once behaved.  Letting go and forgiving myself is a difficult process, but I am getting better at it every day.

A short while after the emails with Sean were exchanged, I had a dream where I was either the passenger (sitting behind the driver), or actually in the driver’s seat.  I can’t remember which.  Someone in the front passenger seat said something like…4 times this has been happening.  What do you expect?   I woke up to that question and something in me knows that I have to do everything I can to come to terms with it and to let hope of any reconcilation go.  My energy needs to go elsewhere and I can’t keep dwelling on the past or on ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybe ifs’.  I need to start focusing on the life I’ve got, and also start focusing on the life I want. 

A lot of inner healing has been happening lately, and a lot of personal growth has taken place too.

I just took a minute to reread some of my more recent posts.  I’ve been busy living life and I was curious to see where I had left off with capturing my life in the blog.  There’s way too much ‘catching up’ to do, but my desire to blog again is back.  The first thing that came to mind as I reread my posts was, “Who the F*** is Brian??” (re:  Jan 19 post).  I’m trying to remember him but I honestly have no clue who that guy was.  Man, am I crazy when it comes to evaluating a date.  Well, whoever he is, it is safe to say that he is not in my life anymore.  Aside from that, another guy has come and gone in my life.  This one I thought had potential to go somewhere.  This guy I brought around friends right away, we went to church together, we played tennis together, we laughed a lot while just hanging out at home together.  The one issue that he couldn’t seem to get over…he was not financially in a place where he was comfortable investing in a relationship.  I can’t blame him for that.  It’s admirable and a good quality to have if he wants to feel confident he can support a gf/wife/home/kids.  What I *can* blame him for is the way he handled it.  He basically disappeared off the face of the earth after that talk and I was left scratching my head.  Being friends and investing time together is one thing, but to take it to an entirely undiscussed level was ridiculous.  I was just happy spending time with him, but I guess the idea of a relationship was too much for him.  C’est la vie.  Here’s another lesson in letting go and accepting reality for what it is.  A man will jump through hoops to be with me, and he’ll do whatever he can to keep me in his life, despite any circumstances.  It’s a shame that he couldn’t recognize the rarity of finding mutual attraction and the easy chemistry we shared.  I think that is what makes it so disappointing to me.  I’ve been searching and going on a lot of dates and I knew we had something good.  Once again, I have to give it up to God and wonder about the miracle of two people ever getting together.  There are so many factors that have to fall into place for two people to decide to share their life together.  Despite it all, I really am happier now and emotionally heathier than ever.  I feel more grounded, more spiritually centered, and I’m happier with my job and the way that it is progressing.  I’m reaching out more to my friends and to my community, and I’m finding ways to share who I am and the love that resides inside of me.  It’s tough and it’s a daily struggle, but I’m only human and that is also why it is so good.

Sweet dreams,
T-Bug

——————-

Has anyone used “futureme.org”? It’s an awesome website I found a few years ago where you can type yourself an email and have it sent to you at some specified date in the future. It’s like your own online time capsule and I was quite surprised when I received an email today. I had totally forgotten I had written and scheduled this email a while back until it arrived today. Take a gander at my reflections. It’s funny how I look back and remember the importance of the moment, but in due time a new perspective came out of it. I have since moved way past this incident and moment in my life. Funny how time reveals the true nature and essence of one moment. It’s completely water under the bridge. And many great lessons have been learned.

——————-

Dear FutureMe,

You broke up with xxxx this weekend and you miss him terribly. The inner growth you are experiencing is difficult, but you’ve come a long way. You’re starting to know what it is that you want and you’re willing to wait and to work for it. xxxx really likes you and he’s a good guy, but you really want someone who will be into you and who will really be into developing the relationship. Perhaps, in time, you will grow towards one another, but the reality at the moment is that he is scared and he wants to accomplish some things in his career before he can relax and dive into a relationship. Perhaps you will have the patience to let it go and to be ok with friendship, or perhaps you will decide to move on and that you have enough friends. Whatever the case, I hope when you receive this letter from me, that you will be in a better spiritual, emotional, and mental place. Life is for living and each relationship is not a waste. You know deep down that love is really all that remains. You know it now. You know how deeply you feel for him and once you’ve gone through the process of letting go, you’ll look back and know that you’ve grown in good ways because of it. Just keep looking forward and keep appreciating the moments. God is with you and your journey is full of meaning of purpose. Believe it and truly live it.

With much love for you,
Your future self.

P.S. You are sending this from the xxxx, where you are working xxxx. Good luck with your interview tomorrow!

——————–

I have my own version of “Tuesdays With Morrie” going on these days. Mine happens on Wednesday nights and the name of my good friend is Lorna.  She’s not exactly coping with a terminal illness like Morrie was, but she does go to the hospital for weekly infusion treatments.  It’s a sad reality to know that the human body really is like a machine.  Over time it wears out, no matter how healthy we eat or how respectful we are of it.  Her mind is sharp, her spirits high, but her body is not keeping up.

I stop by the treatment center on my way home from work each week, and while I am there we sit, chat, have dinner, watch Jeopardy together, and then chat some more.  I’ve known her casually for about a year before I happened to run into her at the hospital one day.  I was there for a meeting and she happened to be walking down the hall with her portable IV.  I promised to stop by the treatment area after my meeting, and since then I’ve made it a part of my own weekly routine. 

Coincidences, serendipity, fate, whatever you’d like to call it, has always been a part of our relationship.  Ever since I first met her, we’d always run into each other at the most random and obscure places.  For me, especially, I’d run into her at places I’d rarely frequent, or places in random cities outside of my neighborhood.  I’ve always felt some sort of affinity towards her, despite the fact that she can come across as ornery, and despite the fact that she’s twice my age.  There’s just been some sort of connection we share that was never really apparent until we started our weekly meetings. 

Tonight’s conversation was rather poignant.  I was ranting about my latest string of less than stellar dates when she shared about someone she once loved.  Their relationship had a rocky start.  She was really into this guy who was hesitant about dating her and so they broke up.  Eight months later they ran into each other again. They talked and shortly thereafter,  he decided to commit to the relationship.  Once he did that, she said it was the best 10 years of her life.  It ended because he died, and I cried with her as she shared her stories. 

She told me he wasn’t exactly book smart, nor was he the most outgoing guy.  He was socially rough around the edges, but he was kind, and patient and he treated her well.  I could tell he was the only person she ever felt had loved every good and every not-so-good part of her.  It was sad, but it also warmed my heart to know she was lucky enough to have found a love like that in her lifetime.  I hope to find a love like that too someday, but I digress…

In the meantime, I’m looking forward to tomorrow.  I’ve got a tennis date!