First Date of the New Year and Other Ramblings…

I had my first date of the new year yesterday, if that’s what you can call it.  It was coffee and conversation with a guy from OKC.  I wasn’t really looking forward to it and I was a bit late, probably due to the fact that I was subconsciously not really into the dating scene right now.  Dating and meeting people really get me down sometimes and it feels like a chore.  How does one decide that someone is ‘good enough’ to invest more time into getting to know?  And how does one trust their opinion of chemistry, especially when it needs to be reciprocated?  Even ‘tho my rational self tells me that past experience has shown that butterflies and fireworks upon meeting ‘the one’ are highly unlikely and, if they do appear, then I should definitely proceed with caution, my heart still holds out hope that my future significant other will walk into my life and we will both ‘just know’ upon meeting each other, and that will be that.  Our life will begin and we will truly be unable to fathom life without each other.  I somehow must come to terms with this romantic and idealistic notion, but I also need to figure out how to come to a place of acceptance that this idea is part of who I am.  Even if the cynics and naysayers disagree, it’s still ok to believe what I believe. 

N**a is the guy I met for coffee tonight.  Upon looking at his pictures, I was turned off.  He’s not an unattractive guy, but he was balding and middle eastern.  I have nothing inherently against either of those (I did date a middle eastern man for a few years in my early 20’s), but I think the fact that the majority of people I’ve met online have either misrepresented themselves or are culturally far away from me on the assimilated spectrum.  I’ve also found that the majority of men in my age range are usually the ones who are using online dating fairly soon after a breakup, or they are extremely bored with life and don’t take it seriously.  It gets discouraging since I want to find a guy to spend time with me, to do activities together and to be there for me at the end of the day.

Anyways, I told myself to keep an open mind, and that I need to keep my commitments whenever possible.  If I gave in to my feelings I would have cancelled and stayed home, but I told him I’d be there and I ought  to be respectful of other people’s time as well.  

So there we were.  N**a is a soft-spoken guy, a bit on the quiet side.  I’m sure those things would change as he get comfortable with someone.  We got coffee and tea and when the place closed, we went to a restaurant down the block that stays open fairly late.  We got a snack and talked more.  It was an interesting conversation that covered work, family, hobbies, dancing and religioni/faith/culture.  He recently purchased a place and spent the month of December renovating and remodeling.  We ended the night with a quick goodbye hug.  I suppose I feel a bit neutral at the moment.  I’m not sure what to expect next, but we’ll see.

Aside from this, Ramon posted pictures on FB of his trip and updated his profile picture.  My perspective of him has changed these last few weeks.  Ever since he just sprang it on me that he was going out of the country over the holiday, I think reality set in that who he is and what I need aren’t meshing right now.  I’ve become too attached to him in both a physical and emotional way.  We haven’t done anything physical and rarely even hug hello or goodbye.  I’m trying to understand why I’m attracted to these non-committal types, and I’m trying to recognize my relationship patterns.  This is another post for another day, but definitely something I will work on more this year.  I do wonder if I’m destined to live this tortured life, so to speak.  That perhaps my cards in life are to keep dealing with these issues indefinitely.  I’ve been watching a lot of youtube videos about the afterlife and about finding our purpose.  Most of these videos have the same theme, among which is that before inhabiting our earthly bodies, we actually choose all the aspects of our life in order to learn and/or accomplish some sort of purpose, and that if we don’t figure this out while we are here, life/the universe will continue to put us in the same situation/scenarios until we figure it out.  I am totally seeing this as true, at least for me.  I’ve still got a lot of unresolved issues to figure out and I now see that I don’t want to continue this pattern of failed relationships. 

Anyway, it appears that perhaps more blogging will happen this year.  I truly hope some major breakthroughs will happen in my life.  Your prayers are appreciated and I thank you, for reading my posts and for being who you are in your part of the world.  🙂

Good night!




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