Archive for March, 2017

LB – A Year From Now

March 24, 2017

Tonight you got home after hanging out at a bar and told me what it felt like to be tased.  I’ve been thinking a lot about this and so I guess I’ll start at the beginning.  I don’t know if I will know you in a year, but in case I do, I plan to journal about us and hope to share this with you a year from now.  🙂

I am in a really dark time in my life right now.  In recent weeks, my grandfather died, which really hit me hard because it signified the end of something big in my family.  My grandpa and grandma were the glue of my family the profound depth of that loss can’t be put into words.  When I came back from the funeral, two friends in that week also passed away.  One woman I didn’t know well, but we knew each other socially through dancng.  She had three kids under the age of 12.  She died after a long battle with cancer.  And then the one that hit me out of no where was my friend, Emily, whom I met through tennis years ago.  She just collapsed one day and was taken away from us too soon.  All of this combined with a work environment that is completely toxic and blatantly unfair and discriminatory in its culture (not necessarily racially), put me in a bad headspace.  I needed to get away.  I wanted to escape my life and everything that was not working in it.  So I decided, practically on whim, to take a short vacation to Portland.  I changed my online profile and put a shout out for anyone who was interested in befriending a vacationer, and you responded.  I remember thinking you had a friendly smile, and that you were cute.  And I also remember thinking that this will be random and to expect the worst, since there are a lot of doozies in the online pool.  After exchanging a few messages, I asked for your number to speak with you over the phone.  And we did.  And I don’t remember much of what was discussed, but there were no weird vibes or red flags.  When I arrived in Portland, I reach out to you via text to see if you still wanted to meet up, and we did.  I was a little later than the ten minutes I estimated.at our meeting time.  You were pacing, what seemed nervously, or maybe you were just cold and damp from the Portland rain.  I approached and I clearly remember you expressing a huge sigh of relief and saying, “Oh, thank God.  I thought you weren’t going to show up.”  And then going on about how you didn’t think I’d flake after having gone as far as making the plans to meet up.  There was a moment after a few pleasant exchanges, where I saw the expression on your face soften towards me, and a slight shift in your demeanor.  I could tell you instinctively thought this was going to be an ok evening afterall.  🙂  We ate ramen, and before I had a few bites you had eaten everything in your own bowl.  That was some seriously fast eating!  lol…  Afterwards, we drove to Powell’s and we browsed books and just talked.  I liked your demeanor.  You were attentive, interesting, and I didn’t get the impression you were trying to be anything that you weren’t.  I liked that about you.  When the night came to an end, I awkwardly jumped out of the car.  I’m sure the impression I gave was that I wasn’t interested, but I was just awkward.  What if I went in for a kiss?  Was it too soon?  Was there even any mutual chemistry?  And beyond that, I didn’t think we’d ever talk again.  Why would we?  I am only visiting!  And so, the next day I asked if you wanted to hang out again before I left, and you said maybe a movie later.  But later came and I didn’t hear from you.  I was pretty sad about that.  But such is life.  Earlier in the day I had anticipated we’d meet up again, so I went online to look for gift ideas.  You see, you said you were about to graduate from the police academy the following week, and i wanted to get you a little something.  I kind of jumped through hoops to get you the gift that I did, and I know I was thinking it was probably too much effort for someone I just met.  But I think part of me didn’t want to hold back the generosity I was feeling.  I don’t know how to explain it, except that I hate how society and people can read too much in gestures and relationships.  If someone feels generous or love in whatever form and to whatever depth, it should be expressed, not surpressed.  ….  It’s late here.  More later.

Anyone Still Out There?

March 18, 2017

Wow.  I can’t believe over a year has passed since my last entry.  Coming back to this blog seems awkward this time around, and I am not sure why.  I tried to post  something in December to remember my year of 2016, but I didn’t have it in me to write. A lot has happened since my last post.  My grandmother and grandfather passed away within a year or so of each other, and their loss is felt immensely. I’m still in California, but now working at a different company.  I spent many years in therapy and finally trying to heal old childhood traumas, and I feel I’m in a better, more whole and more open place in life.  I still have bad days – days of depression, anger and regret – but I have more peace, more acceptance and more kindness and compassion towards myself these days.  I’m trying to let people in more, and to practice forgiveness.  Change is not easy, but the one thing I keep hearing in my mind is, “Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes”.  I remind myself of this when I want to choose old familiar behaviors and ways of thinking.  I know better now, and I must do better. It’s challenging to know what that “better” choice is, but any action is better than inaction, and so I continue to take baby steps again and again in a new direction.  Things with my mom are better, but still very awkward.  Afterall, how do you start rebuilding a relationship that has been so fractured for so long?  But I am trying and that is really all that I can do.  The rest I leave up to God.  I’m still single and technically looking, but I still worry that I won’t find that healthy relationship or that person who will handle heart with kid gloves.  I think the last two people I’ve “dated”, if you could call it that, were much healthier in both who they were as a person, and also in terms of the role I played in the dynamic.  But I still wonder how people maintain long-term relationships.  Being mindful is not easy, nor is it easy to speak your truth when the other person’s love is not a guarantee.  I struggle with letting go and with freely loving who or what comes into my life.  I don’t know if that will ever change about me.  The constant insecurity and worry that I am not lovable is just underneath the surface at all times.  It will be a miracle when God brings “my person” to me.  I know my heart will sing and that true love will be freeing.  Now, if only I can be still enough to trust that HIS timing is all that matters. Is anyone still out there?  God, are you listening?