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LB – A Year From Now

March 24, 2017

Tonight you got home after hanging out at a bar and told me what it felt like to be tased.  I’ve been thinking a lot about this and so I guess I’ll start at the beginning.  I don’t know if I will know you in a year, but in case I do, I plan to journal about us and hope to share this with you a year from now.  🙂

I am in a really dark time in my life right now.  In recent weeks, my grandfather died, which really hit me hard because it signified the end of something big in my family.  My grandpa and grandma were the glue of my family the profound depth of that loss can’t be put into words.  When I came back from the funeral, two friends in that week also passed away.  One woman I didn’t know well, but we knew each other socially through dancng.  She had three kids under the age of 12.  She died after a long battle with cancer.  And then the one that hit me out of no where was my friend, Emily, whom I met through tennis years ago.  She just collapsed one day and was taken away from us too soon.  All of this combined with a work environment that is completely toxic and blatantly unfair and discriminatory in its culture (not necessarily racially), put me in a bad headspace.  I needed to get away.  I wanted to escape my life and everything that was not working in it.  So I decided, practically on whim, to take a short vacation to Portland.  I changed my online profile and put a shout out for anyone who was interested in befriending a vacationer, and you responded.  I remember thinking you had a friendly smile, and that you were cute.  And I also remember thinking that this will be random and to expect the worst, since there are a lot of doozies in the online pool.  After exchanging a few messages, I asked for your number to speak with you over the phone.  And we did.  And I don’t remember much of what was discussed, but there were no weird vibes or red flags.  When I arrived in Portland, I reach out to you via text to see if you still wanted to meet up, and we did.  I was a little later than the ten minutes I estimated.at our meeting time.  You were pacing, what seemed nervously, or maybe you were just cold and damp from the Portland rain.  I approached and I clearly remember you expressing a huge sigh of relief and saying, “Oh, thank God.  I thought you weren’t going to show up.”  And then going on about how you didn’t think I’d flake after having gone as far as making the plans to meet up.  There was a moment after a few pleasant exchanges, where I saw the expression on your face soften towards me, and a slight shift in your demeanor.  I could tell you instinctively thought this was going to be an ok evening afterall.  🙂  We ate ramen, and before I had a few bites you had eaten everything in your own bowl.  That was some seriously fast eating!  lol…  Afterwards, we drove to Powell’s and we browsed books and just talked.  I liked your demeanor.  You were attentive, interesting, and I didn’t get the impression you were trying to be anything that you weren’t.  I liked that about you.  When the night came to an end, I awkwardly jumped out of the car.  I’m sure the impression I gave was that I wasn’t interested, but I was just awkward.  What if I went in for a kiss?  Was it too soon?  Was there even any mutual chemistry?  And beyond that, I didn’t think we’d ever talk again.  Why would we?  I am only visiting!  And so, the next day I asked if you wanted to hang out again before I left, and you said maybe a movie later.  But later came and I didn’t hear from you.  I was pretty sad about that.  But such is life.  Earlier in the day I had anticipated we’d meet up again, so I went online to look for gift ideas.  You see, you said you were about to graduate from the police academy the following week, and i wanted to get you a little something.  I kind of jumped through hoops to get you the gift that I did, and I know I was thinking it was probably too much effort for someone I just met.  But I think part of me didn’t want to hold back the generosity I was feeling.  I don’t know how to explain it, except that I hate how society and people can read too much in gestures and relationships.  If someone feels generous or love in whatever form and to whatever depth, it should be expressed, not surpressed.  ….  It’s late here.  More later.

Anyone Still Out There?

March 18, 2017

Wow.  I can’t believe over a year has passed since my last entry.  Coming back to this blog seems awkward this time around, and I am not sure why.  I tried to post  something in December to remember my year of 2016, but I didn’t have it in me to write. A lot has happened since my last post.  My grandmother and grandfather passed away within a year or so of each other, and their loss is felt immensely. I’m still in California, but now working at a different company.  I spent many years in therapy and finally trying to heal old childhood traumas, and I feel I’m in a better, more whole and more open place in life.  I still have bad days – days of depression, anger and regret – but I have more peace, more acceptance and more kindness and compassion towards myself these days.  I’m trying to let people in more, and to practice forgiveness.  Change is not easy, but the one thing I keep hearing in my mind is, “Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes”.  I remind myself of this when I want to choose old familiar behaviors and ways of thinking.  I know better now, and I must do better. It’s challenging to know what that “better” choice is, but any action is better than inaction, and so I continue to take baby steps again and again in a new direction.  Things with my mom are better, but still very awkward.  Afterall, how do you start rebuilding a relationship that has been so fractured for so long?  But I am trying and that is really all that I can do.  The rest I leave up to God.  I’m still single and technically looking, but I still worry that I won’t find that healthy relationship or that person who will handle heart with kid gloves.  I think the last two people I’ve “dated”, if you could call it that, were much healthier in both who they were as a person, and also in terms of the role I played in the dynamic.  But I still wonder how people maintain long-term relationships.  Being mindful is not easy, nor is it easy to speak your truth when the other person’s love is not a guarantee.  I struggle with letting go and with freely loving who or what comes into my life.  I don’t know if that will ever change about me.  The constant insecurity and worry that I am not lovable is just underneath the surface at all times.  It will be a miracle when God brings “my person” to me.  I know my heart will sing and that true love will be freeing.  Now, if only I can be still enough to trust that HIS timing is all that matters. Is anyone still out there?  God, are you listening?

Nearly a Year’s Update in One Blog Post

November 2, 2015

Wow.  I can’t believe nearly a year has passed since I last wrote an entry.  A lot has happened and I don’t know where to begin, except that I am going through another phase of personal transformation, another layer of the onion is peeling away and I am navigating the self-evolution and discovery as best I can.

To recap some highlights of the last 10 months…

In April I headed out to Chicago for a tango festival.  My friend from NJ decided to fly in while I was there and I was looking forward to catching up with her if I could.  I was busy with the festival and I told her it might be a challenge to meet up but she assured me that she wanted to see Chicago regardless of us meeting up, and that she was fine going to do the things that she wanted to do.  The one day we agreed to meet up, I had stayed late at the milonga and due to a late start the next morning and unexpected Chicago traffic, our meetup didn’t happen. I did call her on my way there and I apologized for not making it to the city tour, but she seemed to understand and so I went about my other plans which was a full day of workshops.  Since I was busy in class, I was unable to get to the phone right so I didn’t see her text messages.  Unbeknownst to me, she had left a nasty message about never contacting her again.  Her hostile tone in the text seemed so out of place and didn’t leave any room for trying to understand what had happened.  She was basically so upset that I didn’t return her calls right away and told me to never contact her again.  I was pretty sure I told her that my priority that weekend was my workshops, but she was pissed and when I saw that message the sadness and disappointment I felt for not being able to meet up earlier was replaced with anger.  It was not a message or attitude I expect from a friend.  She assumed I was avoiding or not answering her calls when I was busy in workshops.  When I did finally get her message, I didn’t bother replying.  It was obvious that whatever friendship I thought we had was really not that she was not a positive or nurturing person for my soul.  Even now, months after the event, I thought I’d want to reach out to resolve what misunderstanding we might have had, but the reality is, I’m sure the interaction would drain me and I don’t have the feeling that any good would come of it.  I’m neutral on this at the moment, and I hope she is doing well.

At the end of June I met a guy at a bar.  I had gone to a dance event with a meet up group where I met a few pretty interesting people.  We ended up leaving the event and going to eat Ethiopian food then we wandered around and ended up at a bar.  At the bar one of the girls called up her friend who lived in the neighborhood who decided to come out and meet up with us.  That friend was the guy who asked for my number.  We had our first date July 4th.  It was a challenging three months of dating.  I’m really glad I met him because I saw how much more aware and thoughtful I am in my approach to dating.  It was definitely the healthiest experience I’ve had, in that I walked into it with eyes wide open and any yellow flags I saw I proceeded cautiously and learned the yellow soon became reds.  I know everyone will have issues, but it was clear that our issues were incompatible.  He lacked awareness of his own emotions, and his concern for others wasn’t a real, genuine concern for others.  His concern came from a place of self-preservation.  Actually, I am not sure he cared much about anyone at all.  More than once he mentioned a rough childhood and more than once he mentioned he had no one he could depend on.  I wish he could see how hardened his heart had become, but I guess since I began my own journey in therapy, I’ve come to realize that it’s all about developing awareness and becoming conscious of your issues and how you let those issues influence your present relationships.  Anyway, I saw the downward spiral early on and I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have seen that if we had met a few years earlier.  I haven’t spoken to him in a month, which is surprisingly easy to do and good for me.  In my past I would have kept trying to drag out a hopeless relationship, but I’m looking for a true partnership and someone who really gets that a relationship is about handling each other’s issues with kindness and love.  I wasn’t expecting to meet him, and I think God brought him into my life to help me see that 1) I didn’t have to do anything to get a guy to ask me out.  Our meeting was unexpected and somewhat divine/serendipitous.  Only God could have orchestrated it.  And 2) I think God knew I needed the validation that I was still attractive to someone, especially after such a long dry spell of not dating. And 3) he was “my type” and fit a lot of what I wanted on paper.  I think God was showing me that He knows preferences both in terms of features and in terms of ‘the resume”, and that my concern about the pool of eligible should not really be a concern.  They are there.  I just need to stay ready and open to the “right” one when God puts him in my path.

More later…

Bathroom and Ants Dream

January 9, 2015

Last night I dreamt I was in my bathroom.  There was a door opening to the outside where the window in real life is.  The door suddenly flew open, and it opened into some sort of walkway/alley between two buildings.  Just outside the door was a stoop of some sort, off to the right of the doorway, with a couple of steps.  On the stoop were a bunch of ants just doing their thing.  It was also raining outside, between these two buildings, so I didn’t walk out the door.  I look outside and across this alley was another building, but this particular place I looked into didn’t have a door.  It was a building that didn’t have one wall, so I was able to look into it.  The space was like an art studio.  I couldn’t see all the details of it, but I had the sense that there were paints, canvases, and other art supplies.  I saw a couple of people in that space, I think one had an apron on with paint or clay splattered on it.  They were just going about their own business, doing art stuff, creating, etc.  In my dream I stuck my head out the door to get a better look at what they were doing, but something inside of me didn’t go outside.  I don’t think I was hesitant to do so because of the rain.  I was just too timid, or lazy, or uncertain (I’m not sure which) to go and look.  Then I woke up.

The New Year

January 9, 2015

A few years back I started a new new year’s exercise.  Instead of making resolutions, I think of words, mantras or themes to focus on for the year.  One year my word was “simplify” and I kept that at the forefront of my thoughts through out the year.  I try to meditate a bit and let the phrase come to me.  I’ve been sitting the last few weeks reflecting on a lot of things. My grandma passed away and I went home after quite a few years of not being home.  Her death has hit me hard.  Her love transcended language barriers.  Seeing my grandpa so fragile now, breaks my heart, and seeing my nieces and nephews growing up into teenagers has hit home that life moves faster than I realized.  It’s also made me take a look at my own life and wonder what it is that I am living for at this point.  The last 6 years or so have been like a black hole for me.  I feel like I was in a depressive state and stagnant in many ways. I have a way of talking myself out of things, or of withdrawing into myself instead of reaching out and being part of life.  It’s who I am and rather than debating in my head whether it’s healthy or not, it just is.  I think the words that keep coming to me this year is “just do”.  I rationalize too much, analyze too much and sometimes it keeps me in my comfort zone too much.  The other words/phrases that keep coming to me is slow down and take stock, and be more mindful.  Last year i threw myself into a lot of dancing, but I know it’s been a distraction.  As healthy as it may be, everything is only good in moderation.  I’m also being more ‘mindful’ about my health and watching my spending.  So far so good.  It’s only been a week, but progess is measured in baby steps here.

The Year in Review

December 23, 2014

January
– Attended Denver Fusion exchange

February
– Tried speed dating for the first time.  No dice.
– Came down with a bizarre cold.  Lost my voice for a week.
– Tried rock climbing for the first time.  Really enjoyed it.

March
– Got diagnosed with Hallux Rigidus.  I was sad and depressed since I was really getting into dancing.  Thankfully no flare ups since then, and I have still been dancing regularly.
– I went to the healing rooms to get prayer over my foot.  Came back to what was sort of a miracle.  On the day that my friend’s visa was to expire, he got a job offer.
– Went to Arizona for a work conference, which also coincided with a tango festival.  I attended my first festival.  I enjoyed it, but it was definitely a quiet and small event.

April
– Had my second private tango lesson (my first “real” lesson).

May
– Went to Zion/Bryce Canyon with Sundeep, Charles and Vicky

June
– Attended a transcendental meditation info session.  Attempted to join the campus group to meditate together on a regular basis, but it fizzled out due to time/schedules not working out.

July
– Volunteered at BOW Classic again.

August
– Tried contra dancing for the first time.  It was so much fun!

September
– Went to a training session in Chicago, met a guy (D.B) who plays in a band.  Unexpectedly, we had dinner and he joined me for tango.  He didn’t dance but hung out with me.  He sat in the studio while I danced, even ‘tho he could have left at any moment.  It was really nice of him to do that.  It’s been a long time since I just had a really nice date.
– Got news that my Grandma was getting weaker.  In good health, but age was generally catching up to her

October
– Tried to see All-4-One with Shirley.  Epic fail.

November
– Attended SFTM and helped volunteer as a babysitter. Had a great tanda with a guy from Caltech area.
– My grandma passed away.  I flew home for the first time in many years.  It was strange to be home and not where I wanted to be.

December
– Went to see a psychic medium for the first time.  Interesting, to say the least, but after listening to the recording of the session again, I think she’s a crock.  LOL.  C’est la vie.

I’m Not Ready

September 23, 2014

I got some bad news today.  My grandma is in hospice in their dementia unit with a mild case of pneumonia.  In my mind, I know what this means.  It’s just a matter of time,  My aunt said my grandma has been sleeping a lot and has been a bit unresponsive.  I haven’t seen her in a number of years mainly due to a feud I’ve had with my mom.  I’m wracked with guilt because of this, but I am somewhat comforted by a talk I had with her once where she told me to just worry about living my own life and not to get bogged down about being around the family.  I’m so saddened by this that I can’t fathom what I will feel when I get the final call.  Please keep her in your prayers.  She’s a strong woman whose love I’ve always known, even in the darkest times of my life.

Grandma, I love you.

Sunday Musings

March 31, 2014

The Lord is totally at work and present in my life right now.  While I was in Tucson for a conference and Tango Festival, through something that only God could provide, I spent some time with Ray talking shop as he was discussing the best way to interview with companies.  As it turns out, I had handed his resume to a tango acquaintance of mine who forwarded it on to his internal recruiter.  Interviews and discussions happened fairly quickly and before we knew it, Ray was offered a job.  It was totally a God thing.  You see, early in the morning on the last day possible to file for his work visa to stay in the U.S., he was given a job offer by my friend’s company.  Had he gotten an offer 1 day later, he’d be making plans to leave the U.S. in a few months.  He had to decide very quickly how to tell the hiring manager his situation, but from the sounds of things, I knew they would be reasonable and willing to do what they could to help him.  He called them first thing in the morning and by 5PM, the company’s lawyers had filed all of the necessary paperwork to get Ray his work Visa.  The timing of everything was amazing and it was only something that God could do.  Ray will essentially be starting up a company within a company.  It’s more of an entrepreneurial career path, as opposed to his first desire which was private equity/finance, but Ray is the kind of person who becomes so focused on a goal that sometimes the blinders stay up too long and flexibility gets compromised.  Neither of us expected this opportunity to arise, but it did and I’m glad he stayed open to it long enough to consider it.  God really had to have had a hand in the unfolding of these events.  There was a plan and a purpose for our friendship to unfold and for Ray to stay here in SF.

Going back to AZ was difficult for me.  It had been a long time since I’ve flown back.  I stayed the weekend and took some time to drive around the campus.  Crazy memories came back to me.  I couldn’t believe how much the city has changed, and yet, a lot of it was still the same.  It was bittersweet to say the least.  Lots of good memories, but lots of sad ones as well.  I wish I could go back and do a few things differently, but such is life and it’s better to focus on what is and what will be.

I’m still doing a lot of dancing these days.  My foot has not had really given me many problems – thank goodness.  But I am on hyper alert for any aches and pains or overworking it. 

My brother has met someone in his travels…so we’ll see how that unfolds!

I’m still hopeful of finding a relationship. I’ve relaxed a bit about it and I do find myself being more open and authentic with the people around me.  I hope he’s a dancer too…  and I sure hope he likes lots of hugs.  Please continue to pray for God to bring that special someone in my life, for me to be content even without a bf, and for me to heal and accept all of the junk from my past.  Thank you!

Ramblings from Jan to Present

March 9, 2014

I’m feeling compelled to write, but this feeling to write isn’t so much to get things out and to express my feelings.  I think it’s more about capturing significant things that are happening in my life right now.  I don’t want the end of the year to come around and for me to forget about all of the amazing and not-so-amazing things that have, and will, happen this year.

Jan 10-12 I flew into Denver to meet up with Ramon for a dance event (DFX).  The event was quite strange in that these dancers are quite the outgoing and touchy-feely types.  I think Ray and I felt a bit out of sorts there, but I really enjoyed the practica and the open dancing we did one night.  We played scrabble and watched the worst movie ever (“Sharknado”) because we were thoroughly bored one evening.  The day I left we had a big fight.  I can’t remember what caused it.  I remember holding some resentment because when I initially arrived, I had taken a really early flight and I had asked him to leave a key at the hotel front desk so that I could just check myself into the room (he had mentioned going to the gym and was not sure he’d be around to greet me).  He replied saying he was at the gym and couldn’t get off the treadmill to leave a key at the front desk.  WTH?  This really pissed me off because he knew I was arriving, so 1) he could plan his time around my arrival and 2) how difficult was it to just leave a key for me?  Then, for the duration of the stay, he slept a lot and just was overall a slug.  I wasn’t sure what to make of that, except that he had flown into Denver after having been in Bali the two weeks prior, and that he just seemed down.  Anyway… the argument ended with me being upset and crying and we had a conversation about it.  Of course, it ended up with him just talking about how upset he was about the MBA program.  So much for him caring about how upset I was.

In February I went to a speed dating event where I ended up with a few mutual yes’.  I did meet up with one for coffee, although I knew that one would not go beyond mutual banter we exchanged at the event.  Coffee was nice, but it only reaffirmed that the long-term prospect was not a match.  One guy was gunho over email, but then that fizzled out and no real life meeting ever happened.  And the last guy never initiated contact, so that was that. The overall experience was good, and I may try it again sometime.  I am not sure.

Also in February, I had come down with the strangest cold.  One evening I felt a tickle in my throat, and just as quickly as I felt it, I completely lost my voice.  My voice was gone for at least 3 days, and I had a really bad cough that lasted around 2-3 weeks.  It was the most miserable illness I’ve had in a long time.  In some ways, it was a good thing that happened to me, because it really caused me to hydrate my body.  I was drinking lots of water, juice, water+honey+lemon to try and flush the illness out of my body.  It seemed like everyone around me caught this cold too, or some variation of it.

Then in late February I went rock climbing for the first time.  My cousin and I tried it out and I really enjoyed it a lot.  My feet were killing me afterwards, but I thought it was just due to the tight shoes and all of the pressure on the toes.  This was on a Saturday.  Brett came out along with his daughter.  She’s only 3/4 years old and she really took to me.  It had been a long time since I last saw him.  A few days later I went dancing and my toe felt a bit sore.  I thought it was due to it being stubbed on the dance floor earlier in the week.  I went dancing again the next day and the big toe on my right foot felt the same. I was worried I might have sprained it, so I took it easy that night. This was Weds/Thurs.  By the time I went to bed on Thursday evening, I noticed my foot had felt pretty sore and stiff.  I went to work on Friday and the stiffness was still there.  It hurt, but not too badly.  I just elevated it and didn’t walk on it very much.  But on Friday evening and Saturday evening, my foot swelled up and i was in some pain.  It wasn’t excrutiating, but I couldn’t bend the toe and it puffed up quite a bit.  So I made an appointment with a podiatrist and went in to see him on Monday.  As it turns out, I have something called Hallux Rigidus.  It’s caused by many things, but in my case, it’s due to the genetic structure of my foot.  I had a long first metatarsal which is not something you want in a an ‘ideal’ foot structure’.  This causes the joint in my big toe to rub against each other.  My doctor showed me xrays and my right foot is a lot worse than my left foot.  This was a really tough thing for me to wrap my head around because I’ve come to love dancing so much.  My doctor said he was surprised that I have not felt pain in my foot before because the condition seemed pretty bad in my right toe, but probably the rock climbing and dancing was just a perfect storm to wake up the condition in my foot.  He gave me a soft cast to wear, advised me not to flex the toe for a couple of week, and he prescribed an anti-inflammatory drug.  My toe felt better within a few days and I actually danced on it twice this week,  I want to dance more, but I’m resting it because I want to dance at the Tucson Tango Festival this week.  More on this in a bit.

More recently, Ray has opened up about how nervous and worried he is about not finding a job before his visa expires at the end of the month.  He met up with me one evening at the dance studio and he looked really upset.  He’s holding so much resentment about the MBA program.  I suggested we go play video games and “shoot ’em up” – get some frustration out by shooting things in the video games.  Not long after that, I spent a couple of days with him working on his resume and sending him job links at various companies.  Since that evening playing video games, we’ve gone a few more times.  This week he has sent out a lot of resumes and on Friday he got rejected for 5 jobs he had applied for a big company, whose name starts with “G”.  I offered to stick around after work to get coffee/snack or dinner and we ended up meeting for a light dinner and ice cream.  He wanted to go shoot dinos so we went to D&B’s again.  Afterwards, I dropped him off at home and I went to the city to try and dance tango.  I was very nervous about being on my foot again for so long, especially putting strain on my toe again, but I really wanted to dance after a whole week of inactivity. The evening was ‘meh’ but I am happy to say that my toe felt ok after that evening.  I’m still being really cautious about using it.

The new about my toe was (and has been) really tough for me to accept and to wrap my head around.  On one hand, my doctor said definitely no rock climbing, and probably dancing is out of the question.  If only to preserve my toe because surgery or more pain will undoubtedly be in my future.  This condition is degenerative.  I cried a lot the first couple of days and now that I’ve danced on it and there is no pain, in the back of my mind I’m sad and worried that I could be accelerating this condition each time I dance.  I’m angry and upset that life would be so cruel.  I finally find something I love to do this past year and this is what I get. God is so strange sometimes.

So, this Saturday I went to the healing room to get prayer over my foot.  There was also a part of me that really wants Ray to find a job and I’m pretty sure I went there to ask for prayer for him too, but I went into the prayer room telling myself I would only ask about my foot.  Well, to explain the process a bit, the prayer warriors don’t get any information in advance about what I am asking prayer for.  They pray over the a blank sheet of paper and take note of whatever God says to them.  When I went in, one lady said that as she prayed for me, the Lord gave her this image of someone singing and dancing before the Lord.  The man said that as he prayed, and image of a gun came to him.  Both things that were said to me were quite personal and amazing.  I am still quite the skeptic about these things, but the way the woman talked about it, I felt like God knows how much I love dancing and that the enemy is trying to take this joy from me.  I pray so earnestly that my foot be miraculously healed, or that my condition never gives me more problems.  The part about the gun…  I was surprised because the first thing that came to mind is that shooting things in the context of video games is my thing with Ray.  I told the prayer warriors this and then we took some time to pray for Ramon too.

Oh!  Prior to this, on Monday/Tuesday I went online to a prayer site and I submitted requests to pray for both my foot and for Ray’s job situation.  The next day Ray (after having submitted a ton of resumes), got a call from a recruiter who set up a time to speak with him early next week over the phone. I actually do think the prayer request I submitted online was a God thing.  I’m not sure if it this job lead will go anywhere, but if Ray is to stay in the country and get a job in the next couple of weeks, it will definitely have to be a God thing.

Today is my birthday.  No need to go there.

This week I head to Tucson for a work conference and, as it just happens to be, the Tucson Tango Festival is also happening.  I had bought my milonga-only pass back in November and I was really excited to go.  But now that I have my diagnosis, I’ve been extremely cautious about resting it so that I can actually dance at the festival.  I’ve got mixed feelings about traveling to Tucson, most of that having to do with bad feelings from my childhood, but for the most part I hope to make some new memories and I hope the festival will be a good experience.

More later.  Good night!

First Date of the New Year and Other Ramblings…

January 3, 2014

I had my first date of the new year yesterday, if that’s what you can call it.  It was coffee and conversation with a guy from OKC.  I wasn’t really looking forward to it and I was a bit late, probably due to the fact that I was subconsciously not really into the dating scene right now.  Dating and meeting people really get me down sometimes and it feels like a chore.  How does one decide that someone is ‘good enough’ to invest more time into getting to know?  And how does one trust their opinion of chemistry, especially when it needs to be reciprocated?  Even ‘tho my rational self tells me that past experience has shown that butterflies and fireworks upon meeting ‘the one’ are highly unlikely and, if they do appear, then I should definitely proceed with caution, my heart still holds out hope that my future significant other will walk into my life and we will both ‘just know’ upon meeting each other, and that will be that.  Our life will begin and we will truly be unable to fathom life without each other.  I somehow must come to terms with this romantic and idealistic notion, but I also need to figure out how to come to a place of acceptance that this idea is part of who I am.  Even if the cynics and naysayers disagree, it’s still ok to believe what I believe. 

N**a is the guy I met for coffee tonight.  Upon looking at his pictures, I was turned off.  He’s not an unattractive guy, but he was balding and middle eastern.  I have nothing inherently against either of those (I did date a middle eastern man for a few years in my early 20’s), but I think the fact that the majority of people I’ve met online have either misrepresented themselves or are culturally far away from me on the assimilated spectrum.  I’ve also found that the majority of men in my age range are usually the ones who are using online dating fairly soon after a breakup, or they are extremely bored with life and don’t take it seriously.  It gets discouraging since I want to find a guy to spend time with me, to do activities together and to be there for me at the end of the day.

Anyways, I told myself to keep an open mind, and that I need to keep my commitments whenever possible.  If I gave in to my feelings I would have cancelled and stayed home, but I told him I’d be there and I ought  to be respectful of other people’s time as well.  

So there we were.  N**a is a soft-spoken guy, a bit on the quiet side.  I’m sure those things would change as he get comfortable with someone.  We got coffee and tea and when the place closed, we went to a restaurant down the block that stays open fairly late.  We got a snack and talked more.  It was an interesting conversation that covered work, family, hobbies, dancing and religioni/faith/culture.  He recently purchased a place and spent the month of December renovating and remodeling.  We ended the night with a quick goodbye hug.  I suppose I feel a bit neutral at the moment.  I’m not sure what to expect next, but we’ll see.

Aside from this, Ramon posted pictures on FB of his trip and updated his profile picture.  My perspective of him has changed these last few weeks.  Ever since he just sprang it on me that he was going out of the country over the holiday, I think reality set in that who he is and what I need aren’t meshing right now.  I’ve become too attached to him in both a physical and emotional way.  We haven’t done anything physical and rarely even hug hello or goodbye.  I’m trying to understand why I’m attracted to these non-committal types, and I’m trying to recognize my relationship patterns.  This is another post for another day, but definitely something I will work on more this year.  I do wonder if I’m destined to live this tortured life, so to speak.  That perhaps my cards in life are to keep dealing with these issues indefinitely.  I’ve been watching a lot of youtube videos about the afterlife and about finding our purpose.  Most of these videos have the same theme, among which is that before inhabiting our earthly bodies, we actually choose all the aspects of our life in order to learn and/or accomplish some sort of purpose, and that if we don’t figure this out while we are here, life/the universe will continue to put us in the same situation/scenarios until we figure it out.  I am totally seeing this as true, at least for me.  I’ve still got a lot of unresolved issues to figure out and I now see that I don’t want to continue this pattern of failed relationships. 

Anyway, it appears that perhaps more blogging will happen this year.  I truly hope some major breakthroughs will happen in my life.  Your prayers are appreciated and I thank you, for reading my posts and for being who you are in your part of the world.  🙂

Good night!